Tuesday, March 31, 2009

April and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Year

    ***If you have never read Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day please click HERE.

     I am going to let you see a little glimpse of just how quirky I am.  Why I share these things for the world to see... I am just not sure.  Maybe it's because the truth sets us free. So, if I share these quirks of mine with you, maybe I will be free from them.                                                                     
     And, about these things... I rope other people into them and they start believing for me.  I have some kind of sick seductive power over my husband and a few select friends.  The amazing thing... they stay with me even when it doesn't pan out.

     See, I am convinced that one of these days I am going to win some big contest. 

      Last year, on the Ellen show, she was giving away a road trip to her show and a GMC Acadia.  Ellen was celebrating a milestone, turning 50, and she wanted to celebrate with someone else who was also celebrating a milestone.  So, I wrote about how I had wanted to adopt since I was 19. And, 17 years later, it was about to happen.  What a better thing to celebrate, right?  I had overcome many obstacles to accomplish the milestone.  It had to be celebrated!

     I wrote this really great letter, selected my friends to go with me, and then we started dreaming about how great our road trip was going to be. We would talk about it on the phone almost daily.   I even went so far as buying some new clothes, clothes that I would wear on the show, and then packing a suitcase in preparation to leave. 

    You think I am kidding.

     You gotta have faith, you know?  Jesus couldn't do in miracles in one town because of the people's lack of faith.  So, I was not about to NOT be chosen because of my lack of faith.

    Well, you can imagine my disappointment, when as the time drew near, I knew I could not have possibly won.  And, then came the terrible announcement on the Ellen show... she had in fact chosen someone else.  That disappointment quickly turned to anger when I realized these girls were not even celebrating a milestone.  They had just made a funny video about what they would do on a road trip.  I could hardly watch as these girls took my trip across the good ol' USA.

     Then, Ellen did the unthinkable.  She took a huge bucket of salt and poured it into my gapping wound.  She not only gave the girl who won the contest a GMC Acadia, she gave one to each of her road trip friends.  I was sick!  I hated Ellen (ok, not really.)  (I am also really dramatic about things sometimes.)

     This year, I learned Ellen was having a new contest.  She was giving away a $30,000 trip to Hawaii.  Included in that trip: 2 luxury hotel stays, a swim with dolphins, helicopter tour (which I probably wouldn't do because... I don't really like helicopters... something about one nut or screw,"the Jesus nut" that holds the whole copter together... freaks me out a bit.)

     I saw the rules of the contest.  Write an original story, with a comedic tone, indicating how a trip like this would benefit you.  I thought and thought and thought.  I came up with a brilliant (at least I thought) idea.  

     I set out on my mission... I was going to Hawaii!

     Here is what I was going to submit:

     April and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Year

     I slept on my neck wrong and I could hardly move it for months.  Then I did some laundry and the sink backed up and poured water all over my laundry room floor and the water ruined the power pack on my printer and now my printer's ruined and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year.

     I could tell because in May the Miller family ( a little shout out, Sharla- click for her blog) received travel approval to go to China and adopt their little girl.  Then the Foster family  (shout out to Rett-click for her blog) got their travel approval to go to China and adopt their little girl.  Our little girl's foster family wouldn't return her to the orphanage, so we never got out travel approval.

     I think I need a vacation to Hawaii.

     Our agency said we'd have to start the whole process over with another child.  I told them I didn't want another child.  I told them I was sad.  I told them I was crying all the time.  I told them that if I didn't get THAT little girl my heart was going to break into a million pieces.  I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year.

     That's what it was because our agency got us a new little girl and told us the paper work would only take a couple of weeks.  It took a couple of months.  They told us we'd travel with a large group.  We traveled alone.  Who needs a travel group?  I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year.

     I could tell because I didn't want to travel at the beginning of the school year.  We traveled right when school started.  I at least hoped we'd have a lay over... in Hawaii.

     I had a headache the whole way to China.  I threw up with first morning.  I thought the whole country of China smelled like a rotten fish boiling in soy sauce.  It made my stomach lurch.  I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible no good, very bad year.

     That's what it was because the orphanage director handed me my beautiful little baby in China, but my baby hated me.  They didn't feed her so she was severely malnourished.  "Just give her lots of milk over the next few weeks and she'll be fine, " they said.

     In the next few weeks, I am going to Hawaii.

     While we were in China someone wrote an email and told us a hurricane hit Ohio and we had a tree on our house.  (Since when do hurricanes hit Ohio?)  We came home from China to no power and all the meals I had prepared and froze so my life would be easier upon returning home, were now ruined.  I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year.

     I took three of my children to the dentist and the dentist told me two of them had cavities.  He said to make an appointment and he'd fix them.  I tried really hard to remember that except I just kept forgetting because I was dreaming of a relaxing vacation in  Hawaii.  They each had to have a rotten tooth pulled.  It's been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year.

     I had strep throat twice and I hate strep throat.

     I had the flu on Christmas day.  I hate the flu.

     My severely malnourished child decided she didn't like to eat so she threw up all the time.  We spent a lot of time at the doctor.

     My oldest child woke up with a very tight cough.  I boiled some hot water, gave it to her in a coffee mug and told her to breath in the steam.  She said it wasn't working.  I went to take it away and I was as careful as could be except I knocked it down the front of her and gave her 2nd degree burns over 14% of her body.  We spent 4 days in the hospital.

     Our van broke down.  Our gazebo collapsed.  I've gained 15 pounds because of all the stress.

      It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year.

     My mom says some years are like that.  Even if you win a trip to Hawaii.

      I was so proud of my little story I wrote.  I rushed to the contest page to submit it.  The submitted story was allowed to be 1500 characters.  I hit submit and it told me it was took long. So,  I copied and pasted my story in a character reader that would let me know how many character were in my story... my story was 7, 856 characters long.

     There was NO WAY to cut the story and keep the essence of the story.

     2 hours of my life... wasted!  

     That's ok! 

      It was a stupid, no good, dumb contest anyway.

     I wonder when the next one is?


Tony and Rett said...

Hahahahaahah! You, like me, live in world where we think people VALUE what we do and say! I mean, come on! We get comments on our blogs! What we say is important! No, we don't get like 100 comments...but 5...10...15. That's a lot! :) And that doesn't include the lurkers!

Dang it, I want you to win! (and not just for giving us a shout out!) Hmmm, well, um, how about a cooking contest? A watermelon seed spitting contest? A burping contest? hehe, I'm trying.

April, you deserve the Perseverance of the Year award! You have had quite a year. But without it, what would we read? Think of it that way, or at least I do. Whenever something really good, or really bad happens I always stop and wonder, "Is this blogworthy?" Honey, for what it's worth, your life events always are!

And thanks for the encouragement on our blog. Someday soon I'll share why we're feeling a lot like Peter.

Ok, when are we getting together?

gnangle04 said...

You are so good!!! And someday, someday, you are going to win THE BEST contest ever... and that will be the start of your terrific, wonderful, really good, very best year.

I bet at times you wonder if people even believe you. If I didn't know you so well I may think you're making all this up.
Your life is crazy at times.... never boring!

Jenney said...

Oh my gosh you followed that story so well! I am still laughing as I write. It is too bad you have such a boring life. I too sit around and eat bon bons while twiddling my thumbs and wishing SOMETHING would happen around here, because life is just so darn quiet. Maybe someday.
How is Emme by the way? Is she gaining weight? Do you have any advice for me because my son doesn't seem to know how to gain weight.

Gina said...

I loved the story April! It was so funny and Ellen would have loved to have you win her contest, I just know it. Oh the days of talking about how we were going to be on the Ellen show. I miss those days. Someday.....

Kim said...

Hahahaha! Oh April, you poor thing! I am going straight to the Ellen Show to send them an email explaining why they need to read your blog, accept your story and give you a trip of a lifetime.

This story is the funniest (in a sick sort of way) and saddest story I have read in a long time. If anyone deserves this trip, it's you!

Perhaps we should start a grassroots effort to get you on the Ellen Show as a contestant in one of her games if nothing else!

Sharla said...

I am cracking up! I needed a laugh and a smile today!! Thank you for sharing your woes in such a funny way!! But it's looking up, right?!


Chubby Baby Designs said...

You just HAVE to laugh just a bit. Who could come up with this stuff, it's like a bad comedy. Funny though, God DID come up with it, and for some reason or reasons, He knew it was PERFECT for you.
He's funny like that sometimes

Elizabeth Bergeron said...

Well, seriously, you should write a book!! I think more moms can relate to this than you think!! It's hard to sum-up the details of your year in so few words. I'm sure Ellen would have laughed and cried right along with you!!

Think of you often.